jmcgregor

So here I am, over a year later nearing the unthinkable at that point. It’s been a hard, hard year with regards to a lot of things. I’m really happy with the progress I have made and it wont be too long now until I reach my target. I am still seeing a psychologist to try and help me get over my social phobia and anxiety problems that came with the weight-gain and depression. Life is getting moderately easier but it can still be hard to walk down the street sometimes and consciously feel like people are staring at me because I’m so overweight, then I realise that I’m not that size any more but the feelings persist. I’m confident though continuing with my psychologist will help me make progress with these feelings and I’ll continue to get better and better.

I’ve applied to a college course which is a BIG step for me. I had to leave college those years ago because of these problems and it’s kind of inspiring that I feel like I can go back and continue getting an education. It used to be a dark, dark place where I saw no future at all for myself, when I would sit in my room, alone, thinking how great it was not be disturbed by anyone and wish I didn’t have toleave the room. It’s a sad thing to think about, but it’s something that has made me realise how far I have come. I can now go out with my kids and enjoy doing things with them, things like taking them out to parks and museums, running and playing with them and generally just being outdoors more with them. It means the world to me.

Another thing which has been growing on my mind for some time is wanting to maybe start dating again. When I say date, I don’t mean ‘date’ date, I’d ideally just like for the right person to come into my life and to go from there. I havn’t been so lucky so far, even on dating sites I havn’t been getting much notice (or replies lol!) and that’s fine I guess, I think it’s just the lonliness getting to me at some point but hopefully in the near future I can find someone to be happy with.

Like I always say when I blog here, half (or more) might not make much sense, I just like sharing some things now and again and hopefully help inspire some people who think weight loss might be beyond them. It’s not.

I hope you are all doing well and feeling great!

Hello everyone,

I actually opened a thread on the forum, in the Weight-Loss Diary section thinking it would have been a somewhat active place that I could receive comments and motivation on my progress and of course speak about anything on my mind. Unfortunatly it was not really what i expected and I think I will just stick with blog posts.

So after my last weigh-in on 5th July my total weight loss so far is 56lbs. I’m happy with that, it’s nearly one third of what I need to lose to be at my ideal weight. Though, there are some things I am concerned about which I wanted to write about in this blog post.

Firstly, my well balanced diet with 5 fruits and veg per day has gone. For instance, today all I had to eat was my dinner (2 veggie fingers at combined cals of 110, on a burger bun with lettuce, cucumber and red onion with a few potato wedges and pickled onions at the side) and2 slices of brown bread toast with a cup of tea before bed. I think I’m starting to under eat again, the type of under eating which lost me 5lbs in 3 days. Yeah, sure, any dieter would marvel at losing that kind of weight in that space of time but I know it isn’t healthy and I don’t want my body to start burning muscle for energy.

Secondly, I am worried about my lack of exercise. My friends have stopped playing football now and that was my only outlet for physical exercise. I am too self-concious and still suffer from socialphobia which stops me going to a gym or out for a jog. The reality for me is I know if I don’t exercise properly I will end up with saggy skin due to the amount of weight I need to lose. Also, I have great(not to blow my own trumpet) calf muscles due to years of playing football and I don’t want to lose them, or any muscles due to my body resorting to burning them for energy. I am still pretty naive about certain exercises, I don’t know where to start or what to do… I want to exercise, preferably ones which I can in my own home and will tighten me up a bit to reduce sagging skin in the future, it really scares me.

Lastly, I am STILL waiting to see a dietician for nutritional and dietary advice, that has been quite a few months now. My doctor also referred me to a weight management centre who recently told me to call for an appointment but they have yet to give me one. Furthermore I am still waiting for the dermatologists to get back to me to treat my fingers and I have also missed around 3 psychologist meetings which was not my fault so I will have to make a new appointment for there too!

All in all though, things are going ok. If you have read my earlier blogs you’d realise I’d lost all hope and my life was in turmoil. Things seem to be getting better for the first time in years and I hope it continues. I want to regain my life, my confidence, my right to live like everyone else without feeling out of place.

Hope you all are well.

Thanks for reading.

Ps. I wrote this straight out of my heart so some of it might not make sense, but I hope it does.

As readers of my previous blogs might know, I recently split with my girlfriend of 6 years. I’m not gonna lie to anyone, I’ve went back into depression again and my good eating etc has went out the window. Call it self pity or anything else that comes to mind but I feel like I lost the main pillar that was supporting my existence… Every night since we broke up I try to go to bed and I cannot sleep because of all the thoughts circling in my head. “Why am I here?”, “What good am I to anyone?”, “I’ve not done enough for the kids over the years, so they would be better without me”, “What am I going to do now, I can’t see any future, any light at the end of this tunnel”. I am still having this trouble, and because of it I have been thrown way off track and went back into the only things that have been keeping me happy, which are, eating and being alone.

Though, a day ago, out of the blue, I received a message from a person on my friends list named Auntiemame. She had taken the time and effort to send me a message stating she had my last blog on her mind and was wondering how I was doing. There was a few things more in which she said in a follow up but the main thing for me is that someone who doesn’t even know me in person would take the time and consideration to make sure I was doing OK after my recent breakup. It humbles me to even think that someone would do as she has done and I am really, really greatful to her for it.

So, about 5minutes ago I had a similar ‘awakening’ to the one I had when I broke out of depression. Right now I feel good and I can see clearly for the first time weeks, which leaves me feelinglike there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Am I still hurting? Yes, but then I think about the old saying, “everything happens for a reason”. Do I know this reason? No, but it happened and I need to take that in my stride.

Now to say what I haven’t been able to envision in weeks… Where I go from here.

1. Focus more on my kids and try to see them at my house more often.

2. Get myself healthy, eat right and try to exercise.

3. Go back to college or get a job.

4. Not worry about being alone for the rest of my life.

Those are my 4 aims and I hope to accomplish them all, it’ll be hard but I have to get better and become a person again.

Ending this I just want to say a special thanks to Auntiemame, Beebee and Tasha from my friends lists. You are all stars and it’s a pleasure and an honor to have such great people to be able to contact. Also I want to say thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

Bless you all.