jmcgregor

Hi all,

Things have been up and down for the last few weeks. Not with my weight, but with my seemingly everlasting battle with social phobia, general mental health and of course the problem I am having with my “relationship”. The reason I quote it is that it’s complicated, I’ll put it in a nutshell.  I was with my fiancee for 6 years, we have 3 children together. About 6 or 7 months ago she cheated with an ex boyfriend who she got back into contact with. It’s disgusting and I don’t even want to describe the pain I went through after finding out for fear it will push my mood even lower. Now it wasn’t just your average one night stand, she lied through her teeth for months to me when I sensed something wasn’t right. She swore on our kids lives etc blah blah blah but after months of denying, lying, I eventually got the truth. We’ve not been “together” properly since, but I still see her and my kids everyday and we still kind of act like we’re together but I refuse to commit to her again because of what she done. I can”t trust her, I’ve told her a few times that I cant be with her any more, because of what she done, because it’s better for my health not to get back with her but she keeps saying she wont give up on me and that she loves me etc and I just cant seem to detach.  I know she’ll eventually read this as she seems to eventually come across everything but the place I’m in right now I don’t know what to do. I love her, dearly but it’s not the same love I had for her before she done that to me. I don’t want to get back with her because I will not be able to trust her again and I don’t want her living as a prisoner to my insecurities, which she caused.

The other problems I have are anxiety and social phobia, both of which have developed over the years through depression and weight gain. I thought I was getting better but I found out a few nights ago I wasn’t. I have just turned 21 so my family and friends wanted me to go out for a drink to celebrate. I didn’t want to go out but after days of feeling pressured by other peoples dissapointment I agreed. We went to a small pub and as soon as I entered I felt awful. I had to stare at the floor and focus my attention on other things to try and block out the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. There where strangers in the pub which I couldnt cope being in the same company with. Without going into to much detail, I felt like a prisoner, I couldn’t drink or talk and the only thing I wanted to do was go home as I knew I would feel safe and at ease there. I’m not very good at putting feelings into words but any sufferer will know how it is. The worst part is my family would not let me leave, I know I’m old enough to make my own decisions but all they kept saying was, ” We came here for you” and stuff like that so along with torture I was taking I had guilt to deal with too. I tried explaining and I was really annoyed that those who know my problem would not understand. I had to leave eventually, it was either that or I felt like I was going to literally explode. All this encumbered with depression, self worthlessness is draining me.

On the plus side, I’ve still been doing good with the weight loss. Normally, when I feel like this it triggers me to comfort eat and negates any progress I have made in diets.  So it’s a good sign that I am doing better in that regard. I also asked my doctor to refer me to a psychologist again to try and deal with these mental problems because I hate where I am in life. I mean, it’s got the the point where my philosopy in life is “Always expect the worst, that way you can only be happily surprised.” and my idea of a positive quote for myself is “I might be ugly and fat, at least I can change one of them”. It just isn’t healthy anymore.

Like I always say when I blog here, I’m sorry if some stuff doesn’t make sense. I don’t plan what I type, it all comes from heart and sometimes just doesn’t make sense to some people. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and hopefully advice/comments from others.

I am struggling with what I should write in this blog post, I’m not one who is easily short of words but a combination of feeling down, scared, worthless and downright ashamed seemed to have sucked my vocabulary dry…

The biggest problem I have is, I eat when I am unhappy. With the life I lead and with certain people within my life constantly making me feel unhappy, it really does make this problem more of a permanent factor than a temporary issue. I have every intention to lose the weight I’ve gained, for me and my kids.  I don’t want them growing up being ashamed of me, watching while other Dads run around playing games, while I sit watching from a bench…

It’s so hard even planning a diet, I don’t eat meat, I don’t eat fish. I do love vegetables though,  potatoes, carrots, peas, beans, lettuce etc but unfortunately, the most filling out of them (potato) usually involves it being deep fried and cut into sticks. I live in a household where the only home-cooked meals are at Christmas time and even then I have pre-prepared vegetable pakora, so it’s really hard to plan and actually prepare a proper diet, I don’t know where to begin.

This is why  I don’t go on buddyslim much anymore, I’m embarrassed to be around people who have put their heart and soles into losing weight, people who have taken their lives back by being able to lose weight, while I can’t due to not being able to be happy or in a good mind state to keep it going. That is why it has gotten to the point where I think I should be put forward for surgery, I need my life back and with the life I live it seems impossible to do by my will alone.

Sorry if this blog was pointless(or made no sense) I just needed to write some of my feelings down.

Well, it’s been over a month since my last blog here. Heres whats been going on.

After the whole break-up thing it took me more than a month to get my head straight and stop craving for my ex. However…. After it sunk into me that we where split she ‘let her defences down’ and wanted me back. It was a tricky situation as I needed to see my kids everyday or two so I had to be in her company saying how much she wants me back etc. I did say to her that I would not get back with her while she has those controlling and destructive problems which pretty much made me go into depression before. Though after a week or two I slowly let her back into my heart which took alot for me to do considering what had went on, but now that I let her back into my heart she’s saying we should probably just be friends (after weeks of attention craving, which she got). So my head has been messed with again. I have those feelings again that I want to be near her but know I shouldn’t, it’s very frustrating and hurting and took a while to go away before.

Apart from that I havn’t managed a weigh-in but I have been eating better and been getting a bit of excerise and have had some comments that I look like I’m losing weight. I’m happy in that regard but I want to do more in the form of exercise, I’m going to try and play football again and maybe do some walking while listening to music.

My diet is still unbalanced but I do take less than 1k calories per day which I was told to do so I guess that’s going decently. Hopefully I’ll have some good news for you people in my next blog.

Take care..

Ps. Hopefully this makes sense :p

I’m not going to bore anyone with stories, I’ve had a bad couple of years of which you can find more information in my profile… I’ve recently just awoken from a depressive coma and realized just what I have done to myself. I was at a hospital getting a check up due to my very high blood pressure and I had to get a few tests done. My life is at risk and now I need to get better or else I could die…

I hope I can get some moral support from the users here to help me on my quest to reclaim my pride, confidence and of course, health.