jmcgregor

So here I am, over a year later nearing the unthinkable at that point. It’s been a hard, hard year with regards to a lot of things. I’m really happy with the progress I have made and it wont be too long now until I reach my target. I am still seeing a psychologist to try and help me get over my social phobia and anxiety problems that came with the weight-gain and depression. Life is getting moderately easier but it can still be hard to walk down the street sometimes and consciously feel like people are staring at me because I’m so overweight, then I realise that I’m not that size any more but the feelings persist. I’m confident though continuing with my psychologist will help me make progress with these feelings and I’ll continue to get better and better.

I’ve applied to a college course which is a BIG step for me. I had to leave college those years ago because of these problems and it’s kind of inspiring that I feel like I can go back and continue getting an education. It used to be a dark, dark place where I saw no future at all for myself, when I would sit in my room, alone, thinking how great it was not be disturbed by anyone and wish I didn’t have toleave the room. It’s a sad thing to think about, but it’s something that has made me realise how far I have come. I can now go out with my kids and enjoy doing things with them, things like taking them out to parks and museums, running and playing with them and generally just being outdoors more with them. It means the world to me.

Another thing which has been growing on my mind for some time is wanting to maybe start dating again. When I say date, I don’t mean ‘date’ date, I’d ideally just like for the right person to come into my life and to go from there. I havn’t been so lucky so far, even on dating sites I havn’t been getting much notice (or replies lol!) and that’s fine I guess, I think it’s just the lonliness getting to me at some point but hopefully in the near future I can find someone to be happy with.

Like I always say when I blog here, half (or more) might not make much sense, I just like sharing some things now and again and hopefully help inspire some people who think weight loss might be beyond them. It’s not.

I hope you are all doing well and feeling great!

So, I weighed myself earlier and so far I’ve lost 91lbs. I must admit, I’m amazed because I’ve been going through so much these last few months, my ex is still making life hard for me but I am now pretty much over her and sort of glad to not be with her after everything she did, even before the big fiasco at the end. Anyway, it’s not about her the fact is I’m proud I didn’t go back to comfort eating which was probably my biggest problem. When I was sad the only thing that took my mind off things and made me content was eating. I’m glad to say I don’t need to to do that anymore.

I’m dealing with a lot of my other problems too that came with weight gain. My depression is slacking off, though I still feel it. My social phobia is what is holding me back, that and my severe lack of confidence within myself. I’m sure it will all build as time goes on but it’s hard feeling lonely and then even harder when around people. It’s a horrible situation. I’ve got an appointment at the gym on Thursday too so now I can start proper exercises and hopefully lose more weight.

So to keep it short and sweet, I’m getting better and to anyone who is going through dark times with regards to their weight, there is hope, I had all but resigned myself to being and possibly dying at the weight I was, if not heavier but I’ve managed to do something about it, even though when all my hopes had gone. Something kept me going and I’m doing great. If I can do it, anyone can, no matter how hard it seems.

Looking at my before and after pictures I still feel as ugly and rather unchanged but I know the scales havn’t been lying to me as I now fit into my old clothes!

Hope you all are well, and best of luck in what you are doing.

Hi all,

Things have been up and down for the last few weeks. Not with my weight, but with my seemingly everlasting battle with social phobia, general mental health and of course the problem I am having with my “relationship”. The reason I quote it is that it’s complicated, I’ll put it in a nutshell.  I was with my fiancee for 6 years, we have 3 children together. About 6 or 7 months ago she cheated with an ex boyfriend who she got back into contact with. It’s disgusting and I don’t even want to describe the pain I went through after finding out for fear it will push my mood even lower. Now it wasn’t just your average one night stand, she lied through her teeth for months to me when I sensed something wasn’t right. She swore on our kids lives etc blah blah blah but after months of denying, lying, I eventually got the truth. We’ve not been “together” properly since, but I still see her and my kids everyday and we still kind of act like we’re together but I refuse to commit to her again because of what she done. I can”t trust her, I’ve told her a few times that I cant be with her any more, because of what she done, because it’s better for my health not to get back with her but she keeps saying she wont give up on me and that she loves me etc and I just cant seem to detach.  I know she’ll eventually read this as she seems to eventually come across everything but the place I’m in right now I don’t know what to do. I love her, dearly but it’s not the same love I had for her before she done that to me. I don’t want to get back with her because I will not be able to trust her again and I don’t want her living as a prisoner to my insecurities, which she caused.

The other problems I have are anxiety and social phobia, both of which have developed over the years through depression and weight gain. I thought I was getting better but I found out a few nights ago I wasn’t. I have just turned 21 so my family and friends wanted me to go out for a drink to celebrate. I didn’t want to go out but after days of feeling pressured by other peoples dissapointment I agreed. We went to a small pub and as soon as I entered I felt awful. I had to stare at the floor and focus my attention on other things to try and block out the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. There where strangers in the pub which I couldnt cope being in the same company with. Without going into to much detail, I felt like a prisoner, I couldn’t drink or talk and the only thing I wanted to do was go home as I knew I would feel safe and at ease there. I’m not very good at putting feelings into words but any sufferer will know how it is. The worst part is my family would not let me leave, I know I’m old enough to make my own decisions but all they kept saying was, ” We came here for you” and stuff like that so along with torture I was taking I had guilt to deal with too. I tried explaining and I was really annoyed that those who know my problem would not understand. I had to leave eventually, it was either that or I felt like I was going to literally explode. All this encumbered with depression, self worthlessness is draining me.

On the plus side, I’ve still been doing good with the weight loss. Normally, when I feel like this it triggers me to comfort eat and negates any progress I have made in diets.  So it’s a good sign that I am doing better in that regard. I also asked my doctor to refer me to a psychologist again to try and deal with these mental problems because I hate where I am in life. I mean, it’s got the the point where my philosopy in life is “Always expect the worst, that way you can only be happily surprised.” and my idea of a positive quote for myself is “I might be ugly and fat, at least I can change one of them”. It just isn’t healthy anymore.

Like I always say when I blog here, I’m sorry if some stuff doesn’t make sense. I don’t plan what I type, it all comes from heart and sometimes just doesn’t make sense to some people. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and hopefully advice/comments from others.