jmcgregor

 I met my fiancee(ex, now I guess) back in High School 6 years ago. When you started going out her friends ‘advised’ her not go  out with me because I would cheat on her, no treat her right and, probably hit her. That’s some very nice comments to come from people who do not know me in the slightest. I was one of the most nicest, most caring male you could come across at that point, also, back then I was in the best shape of my life, playing football everyday for around 8 hours really worked out. Her friends kept saying stuff all during High School and we ignored it(but she never stuck up for me, not once).

Not too long into the relationship did I find myself being suffocated by her insecurities. I was made to not speak to any girls and all my female contacts on MSN were deleted by her. I stuck by her though as I really liked her but it last for around 2 years before I really couldn’t handle it anymore. I tried to break it up but she had deliberately stopped taking the pill without telling me, trying to get herself pregnant. Needless to say she did and I stuck by her and through all the difficulties I stuck by her and my son.

After the birth of my son I also moved houses with my parents, both actions triggered me to stop my only source of exercis(football) and slowly but surely I started to gain weight(I always ate the same amount but I did alot of exercise). After I gained a certain amount of weight I started to get depressed, without asking for help I let myself freefall into bad depression, not caring about myself, thinking of hurting myself, wanting to die, but I didn’t because I love her and I love my son, which is probably the only reason why I’m able to type this today.

2 kids,  3 years of depression and weight gain later I came to my senses without any meds. I want to get better to be able to run around and keep up with my kids outside. I want to be able to go outside again without feeling extremely anxious and the world is shrinking with everyones eyes fixed on me. I started to lose weight, was seeing a psychologist to help with my problems and everything has been looking up since.

Through the years gave always asked my fiancee to come to the cinema, resteraunts or anywhere else to get out for a bit and enjoy herself but i was always met with responses like “I don’t really want to”, “I don’t like resteraunts” and “Theres nothing out in the movies I want to see”… Just recently I wanted to take her to a hotel for a long weekend so we both could relax and spend some more time with each other but again I was shunted by every excuse possible.  Just recently those same friends from high school got in touch with her and wanted her to go out one night for a drink and maybe go dancing. I happily let her as it was good to see her going out but she came back completely drunk and I needed to go out of the house and get her as she didn’t know where she was. Now, everything was fine with that until she went to meet those same friends again for coffee this time and have a good old talk about me.

So out of the blue my fiancee calls me 2 days ago(1 day after she met with those friends) and says to me that I am not going to get better, everything will be the same as it was before. During my worst period the worse she got was me shouting at her and my eldest which I wish I didn’t do but I couldn’t help it. So she was saying that she wished she’d ended it when I was shouting at them instead of letting me trying to get better as she now thinks I will never get better even though I have been very nice over the last weeks because I have felt good. She said she wanted her life back, as if it were me keeping it from her which is pretty much the opposite of what was going on.

You see during the last meeting with her friends they where talking about me and they told her they should leave me(those people who don’t know me), they told her she should leave the man who loves her, leave the ma who has 3 children to her for a simple fact that they don’t like me. I asked her to make a decision and make it wise because I wont take her back if she does want to end it because my time in this relationship was spent loving her and my kids while not feeling much of it back from her. She came to her decision and it was to go “our own ways”.

I feel broken, I don’t want to be alone but cruel is the world that can be kind, and some things happen for a reason. We need to sort out whats going to happen with the kids first and foremost then i need to continue getting fitter(both physically and mentally) before anything else. I really don;t know what to think right now, I feel like crying but my emotions are stone right now, maybe it hasn’t sunk in… I’ve always been told I am a strong character and my willpower was second to none, I guess we’ll find out now what kind of a man I am but the question that is going through my head is that will I be alone forever now?

I needed to get this off my chest, there is more I could have written about her funny behavior leading up to this but I think I have vvored you all enough for now.

I would like to close this with a question. What are friends? The people who are always there for you through thick and thing? Or, people you knew from high school who have prejudiced opinions with no sense of civility or morality?

PS: I hope this makes sense, I’m not sure what frame of mind I am in right now and hope this is not all garbled…

Thing is, I’m having trouble getting to sleep at night. On average I get to bed at around 5am, because of this I miss breakfast so the first meal I have is lunch.

I have been told you should eat 4 times per day at a total of less than 1000 calories(instructed to do so to lose weight). Now if I only have Weetabix for lunch and then have a low fat, low cal dinner and maybe another bowl of weetabix or fruit at night would it be causing me any harm? I’m no trying to like starve myself or anything but unless I can get into a routine I wont be able to follow the 4 times per day routine.

Is this good or bad?

I’m not going to bore anyone with stories, I’ve had a bad couple of years of which you can find more information in my profile… I’ve recently just awoken from a depressive coma and realized just what I have done to myself. I was at a hospital getting a check up due to my very high blood pressure and I had to get a few tests done. My life is at risk and now I need to get better or else I could die…

I hope I can get some moral support from the users here to help me on my quest to reclaim my pride, confidence and of course, health.