jmcgregor

So here I am, over a year later nearing the unthinkable at that point. It’s been a hard, hard year with regards to a lot of things. I’m really happy with the progress I have made and it wont be too long now until I reach my target. I am still seeing a psychologist to try and help me get over my social phobia and anxiety problems that came with the weight-gain and depression. Life is getting moderately easier but it can still be hard to walk down the street sometimes and consciously feel like people are staring at me because I’m so overweight, then I realise that I’m not that size any more but the feelings persist. I’m confident though continuing with my psychologist will help me make progress with these feelings and I’ll continue to get better and better.

I’ve applied to a college course which is a BIG step for me. I had to leave college those years ago because of these problems and it’s kind of inspiring that I feel like I can go back and continue getting an education. It used to be a dark, dark place where I saw no future at all for myself, when I would sit in my room, alone, thinking how great it was not be disturbed by anyone and wish I didn’t have toleave the room. It’s a sad thing to think about, but it’s something that has made me realise how far I have come. I can now go out with my kids and enjoy doing things with them, things like taking them out to parks and museums, running and playing with them and generally just being outdoors more with them. It means the world to me.

Another thing which has been growing on my mind for some time is wanting to maybe start dating again. When I say date, I don’t mean ‘date’ date, I’d ideally just like for the right person to come into my life and to go from there. I havn’t been so lucky so far, even on dating sites I havn’t been getting much notice (or replies lol!) and that’s fine I guess, I think it’s just the lonliness getting to me at some point but hopefully in the near future I can find someone to be happy with.

Like I always say when I blog here, half (or more) might not make much sense, I just like sharing some things now and again and hopefully help inspire some people who think weight loss might be beyond them. It’s not.

I hope you are all doing well and feeling great!

So, I weighed myself earlier and so far I’ve lost 91lbs. I must admit, I’m amazed because I’ve been going through so much these last few months, my ex is still making life hard for me but I am now pretty much over her and sort of glad to not be with her after everything she did, even before the big fiasco at the end. Anyway, it’s not about her the fact is I’m proud I didn’t go back to comfort eating which was probably my biggest problem. When I was sad the only thing that took my mind off things and made me content was eating. I’m glad to say I don’t need to to do that anymore.

I’m dealing with a lot of my other problems too that came with weight gain. My depression is slacking off, though I still feel it. My social phobia is what is holding me back, that and my severe lack of confidence within myself. I’m sure it will all build as time goes on but it’s hard feeling lonely and then even harder when around people. It’s a horrible situation. I’ve got an appointment at the gym on Thursday too so now I can start proper exercises and hopefully lose more weight.

So to keep it short and sweet, I’m getting better and to anyone who is going through dark times with regards to their weight, there is hope, I had all but resigned myself to being and possibly dying at the weight I was, if not heavier but I’ve managed to do something about it, even though when all my hopes had gone. Something kept me going and I’m doing great. If I can do it, anyone can, no matter how hard it seems.

Looking at my before and after pictures I still feel as ugly and rather unchanged but I know the scales havn’t been lying to me as I now fit into my old clothes!

Hope you all are well, and best of luck in what you are doing.

Hi all,

Things have been up and down for the last few weeks. Not with my weight, but with my seemingly everlasting battle with social phobia, general mental health and of course the problem I am having with my “relationship”. The reason I quote it is that it’s complicated, I’ll put it in a nutshell.  I was with my fiancee for 6 years, we have 3 children together. About 6 or 7 months ago she cheated with an ex boyfriend who she got back into contact with. It’s disgusting and I don’t even want to describe the pain I went through after finding out for fear it will push my mood even lower. Now it wasn’t just your average one night stand, she lied through her teeth for months to me when I sensed something wasn’t right. She swore on our kids lives etc blah blah blah but after months of denying, lying, I eventually got the truth. We’ve not been “together” properly since, but I still see her and my kids everyday and we still kind of act like we’re together but I refuse to commit to her again because of what she done. I can”t trust her, I’ve told her a few times that I cant be with her any more, because of what she done, because it’s better for my health not to get back with her but she keeps saying she wont give up on me and that she loves me etc and I just cant seem to detach.  I know she’ll eventually read this as she seems to eventually come across everything but the place I’m in right now I don’t know what to do. I love her, dearly but it’s not the same love I had for her before she done that to me. I don’t want to get back with her because I will not be able to trust her again and I don’t want her living as a prisoner to my insecurities, which she caused.

The other problems I have are anxiety and social phobia, both of which have developed over the years through depression and weight gain. I thought I was getting better but I found out a few nights ago I wasn’t. I have just turned 21 so my family and friends wanted me to go out for a drink to celebrate. I didn’t want to go out but after days of feeling pressured by other peoples dissapointment I agreed. We went to a small pub and as soon as I entered I felt awful. I had to stare at the floor and focus my attention on other things to try and block out the overwhelming feeling of anxiety. There where strangers in the pub which I couldnt cope being in the same company with. Without going into to much detail, I felt like a prisoner, I couldn’t drink or talk and the only thing I wanted to do was go home as I knew I would feel safe and at ease there. I’m not very good at putting feelings into words but any sufferer will know how it is. The worst part is my family would not let me leave, I know I’m old enough to make my own decisions but all they kept saying was, ” We came here for you” and stuff like that so along with torture I was taking I had guilt to deal with too. I tried explaining and I was really annoyed that those who know my problem would not understand. I had to leave eventually, it was either that or I felt like I was going to literally explode. All this encumbered with depression, self worthlessness is draining me.

On the plus side, I’ve still been doing good with the weight loss. Normally, when I feel like this it triggers me to comfort eat and negates any progress I have made in diets.  So it’s a good sign that I am doing better in that regard. I also asked my doctor to refer me to a psychologist again to try and deal with these mental problems because I hate where I am in life. I mean, it’s got the the point where my philosopy in life is “Always expect the worst, that way you can only be happily surprised.” and my idea of a positive quote for myself is “I might be ugly and fat, at least I can change one of them”. It just isn’t healthy anymore.

Like I always say when I blog here, I’m sorry if some stuff doesn’t make sense. I don’t plan what I type, it all comes from heart and sometimes just doesn’t make sense to some people. I just needed to get some stuff off my chest and hopefully advice/comments from others.

Hello everyone,

I actually opened a thread on the forum, in the Weight-Loss Diary section thinking it would have been a somewhat active place that I could receive comments and motivation on my progress and of course speak about anything on my mind. Unfortunatly it was not really what i expected and I think I will just stick with blog posts.

So after my last weigh-in on 5th July my total weight loss so far is 56lbs. I’m happy with that, it’s nearly one third of what I need to lose to be at my ideal weight. Though, there are some things I am concerned about which I wanted to write about in this blog post.

Firstly, my well balanced diet with 5 fruits and veg per day has gone. For instance, today all I had to eat was my dinner (2 veggie fingers at combined cals of 110, on a burger bun with lettuce, cucumber and red onion with a few potato wedges and pickled onions at the side) and2 slices of brown bread toast with a cup of tea before bed. I think I’m starting to under eat again, the type of under eating which lost me 5lbs in 3 days. Yeah, sure, any dieter would marvel at losing that kind of weight in that space of time but I know it isn’t healthy and I don’t want my body to start burning muscle for energy.

Secondly, I am worried about my lack of exercise. My friends have stopped playing football now and that was my only outlet for physical exercise. I am too self-concious and still suffer from socialphobia which stops me going to a gym or out for a jog. The reality for me is I know if I don’t exercise properly I will end up with saggy skin due to the amount of weight I need to lose. Also, I have great(not to blow my own trumpet) calf muscles due to years of playing football and I don’t want to lose them, or any muscles due to my body resorting to burning them for energy. I am still pretty naive about certain exercises, I don’t know where to start or what to do… I want to exercise, preferably ones which I can in my own home and will tighten me up a bit to reduce sagging skin in the future, it really scares me.

Lastly, I am STILL waiting to see a dietician for nutritional and dietary advice, that has been quite a few months now. My doctor also referred me to a weight management centre who recently told me to call for an appointment but they have yet to give me one. Furthermore I am still waiting for the dermatologists to get back to me to treat my fingers and I have also missed around 3 psychologist meetings which was not my fault so I will have to make a new appointment for there too!

All in all though, things are going ok. If you have read my earlier blogs you’d realise I’d lost all hope and my life was in turmoil. Things seem to be getting better for the first time in years and I hope it continues. I want to regain my life, my confidence, my right to live like everyone else without feeling out of place.

Hope you all are well.

Thanks for reading.

Ps. I wrote this straight out of my heart so some of it might not make sense, but I hope it does.

Hi everyone.

I borrowed a set of digital scales from my children’s mother and I used them today. It’s been 2 weeks and 2 days since my last weig-in at the hospital. So I step on them a few times to get an accurate result, and all times it said 308lbs, a 7lb loss since the last weigh-in. Thing is I am not quite sure how good that is in terms of weight loss, I’m not sure if I should be losing more?

I have a hold on my diet now, I get up and have cereal with a glass of 100% orange or apple juice. I drink water the rest of the day and have fruit to go towards my 5-a-day(usually not until after dinner though), I then have my dinner which is usually 2 forms of vegetable with pasta or potato. That’s all, no crisps, no sweets, no fizzy juice. I’ve done my best to get in a ‘healthy’ diet whilst waiting to see a nutritionist. Also, I have been playing football(soccer) most days for over an hour each session, I have also been trying to incorporate more exercise too.

With all that things seem to be going well but I am just not sure how much weight loss I should be aiming for every 2weeks.

Would be nice to hear from you guys. Thank you.

I just got back from seeing my cardiologist and I must say, I feel happy.

First things first, my blood pressure is better than it was 6months ago, which is pleasing. I think the words used where “it’s now at a controllable level” so that in itself is a bit of a relief. They wanted to weigh me on a set of scales which only go up to 24 stone. I reminded them that the last time I was there I needed special scales as I weighed over 24stone 6months ago. I also told them I hadn’t lost any weight, which I believed to be the case due to the on-off bout of depression and emotional related eating. To my suprise I have lost 30lbs without being completely focused on losing weight.

At first the nurses told me it was 1 stone and a half that I lost, but the doctor cleared it up as the nurses got their charts mixed up. The doctor also said he is very impressed that I have lost 2 stone, which made me think in my head what I could be losing if I was focusing on actually doing it properly. So right now I am very, very happy. Forthe first time I actually walked along the street smiling (I usually ask myself why people do that, walking whilst smiling. Today I found out).

So what I want to say to anyone who is or has been feeling as powerless, depressed, or just plain bad as me is that there is hope. No matter what you might think, no matter if you think your will power has gone, it hasn’t. You can get better if you really want to, all you need is support from family, friends and the great people here at Buddyslim. We’re all here with the same problem, albeit in different magnitudes but we feel empathy and we all want to help and be supportive.

I hope you all have a great day.

I am struggling with what I should write in this blog post, I’m not one who is easily short of words but a combination of feeling down, scared, worthless and downright ashamed seemed to have sucked my vocabulary dry…

The biggest problem I have is, I eat when I am unhappy. With the life I lead and with certain people within my life constantly making me feel unhappy, it really does make this problem more of a permanent factor than a temporary issue. I have every intention to lose the weight I’ve gained, for me and my kids.  I don’t want them growing up being ashamed of me, watching while other Dads run around playing games, while I sit watching from a bench…

It’s so hard even planning a diet, I don’t eat meat, I don’t eat fish. I do love vegetables though,  potatoes, carrots, peas, beans, lettuce etc but unfortunately, the most filling out of them (potato) usually involves it being deep fried and cut into sticks. I live in a household where the only home-cooked meals are at Christmas time and even then I have pre-prepared vegetable pakora, so it’s really hard to plan and actually prepare a proper diet, I don’t know where to begin.

This is why  I don’t go on buddyslim much anymore, I’m embarrassed to be around people who have put their heart and soles into losing weight, people who have taken their lives back by being able to lose weight, while I can’t due to not being able to be happy or in a good mind state to keep it going. That is why it has gotten to the point where I think I should be put forward for surgery, I need my life back and with the life I live it seems impossible to do by my will alone.

Sorry if this blog was pointless(or made no sense) I just needed to write some of my feelings down.

It’s getting to the point where I am seriously wondering whats going on in my life. Since I signed up to this great community I have not been able to do a weigh-in or take pictures. I keep saying to myself, “OK every Monday I’ll take a photo and do a weigh-in and keep tracking what’s going on” but when it comes to the crunch, I’m either too scared, too self-concious or just completely forget.

I have been thinking of trying to see a dietician, just so that I can hopefully get weighed everyweek, do you guys think that would be a good idea? I’m also struggling to get into a defined timetable, like I want to draw stuff on a sheet, like a daily plan that says things like, “Get up and get breakfast, go for a 30min walk etc, etc” but I never get round to it, does anyone have any helpful information to stop me being such a wuss lol?

Thank you for reading, hope you are all well.

Well, it’s been over a month since my last blog here. Heres whats been going on.

After the whole break-up thing it took me more than a month to get my head straight and stop craving for my ex. However…. After it sunk into me that we where split she ‘let her defences down’ and wanted me back. It was a tricky situation as I needed to see my kids everyday or two so I had to be in her company saying how much she wants me back etc. I did say to her that I would not get back with her while she has those controlling and destructive problems which pretty much made me go into depression before. Though after a week or two I slowly let her back into my heart which took alot for me to do considering what had went on, but now that I let her back into my heart she’s saying we should probably just be friends (after weeks of attention craving, which she got). So my head has been messed with again. I have those feelings again that I want to be near her but know I shouldn’t, it’s very frustrating and hurting and took a while to go away before.

Apart from that I havn’t managed a weigh-in but I have been eating better and been getting a bit of excerise and have had some comments that I look like I’m losing weight. I’m happy in that regard but I want to do more in the form of exercise, I’m going to try and play football again and maybe do some walking while listening to music.

My diet is still unbalanced but I do take less than 1k calories per day which I was told to do so I guess that’s going decently. Hopefully I’ll have some good news for you people in my next blog.

Take care..

Ps. Hopefully this makes sense :p

As readers of my previous blogs might know, I recently split with my girlfriend of 6 years. I’m not gonna lie to anyone, I’ve went back into depression again and my good eating etc has went out the window. Call it self pity or anything else that comes to mind but I feel like I lost the main pillar that was supporting my existence… Every night since we broke up I try to go to bed and I cannot sleep because of all the thoughts circling in my head. “Why am I here?”, “What good am I to anyone?”, “I’ve not done enough for the kids over the years, so they would be better without me”, “What am I going to do now, I can’t see any future, any light at the end of this tunnel”. I am still having this trouble, and because of it I have been thrown way off track and went back into the only things that have been keeping me happy, which are, eating and being alone.

Though, a day ago, out of the blue, I received a message from a person on my friends list named Auntiemame. She had taken the time and effort to send me a message stating she had my last blog on her mind and was wondering how I was doing. There was a few things more in which she said in a follow up but the main thing for me is that someone who doesn’t even know me in person would take the time and consideration to make sure I was doing OK after my recent breakup. It humbles me to even think that someone would do as she has done and I am really, really greatful to her for it.

So, about 5minutes ago I had a similar ‘awakening’ to the one I had when I broke out of depression. Right now I feel good and I can see clearly for the first time weeks, which leaves me feelinglike there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Am I still hurting? Yes, but then I think about the old saying, “everything happens for a reason”. Do I know this reason? No, but it happened and I need to take that in my stride.

Now to say what I haven’t been able to envision in weeks… Where I go from here.

1. Focus more on my kids and try to see them at my house more often.

2. Get myself healthy, eat right and try to exercise.

3. Go back to college or get a job.

4. Not worry about being alone for the rest of my life.

Those are my 4 aims and I hope to accomplish them all, it’ll be hard but I have to get better and become a person again.

Ending this I just want to say a special thanks to Auntiemame, Beebee and Tasha from my friends lists. You are all stars and it’s a pleasure and an honor to have such great people to be able to contact. Also I want to say thank you to anyone who took the time to read this.

Bless you all.